Dreaming Together with Our Children

So many Chinese parents worry about their children “losing at the starting line,” racking their brains and running themselves ragged trying to boost their kids’ competitive edge — frantically enrolling them in every talent class, tutoring program, and gifted program they can find. Recently someone even asked me whether there were International Math Olympiad prep classes for toddlers. It left me both sympathetic and stunned.

Years ago, when our eldest two daughters — only a year apart — were in kindergarten in Taiwan, I went back to work and became a career mom. I signed them up for after-school programs on top of talent classes. I was spinning in circles, with little time to spend with them, and for the sake of convenient pickup and drop-off, the two sisters were almost always together. They tell me my catchphrase back then was, ‘Hurry, hurry, hurry! There’s no time — I’m not waiting for you!’

It wasn’t until they were in fifth or sixth grade that, during a Family Time discussion about whether to keep taking piano, our second daughter broke down in tears. She said she didn’t want to keep playing piano, and she didn’t want to keep tagging along after her older sister, forever living in her shadow — no matter how hard she tried, she always felt she couldn’t measure up.

I realized my own carelessness had hurt her, and I felt deeply guilty, so I offered her a sincere apology. I told her that learning any skill isn’t about showing off — it’s about serving God and serving others — so she didn’t need to put so much pressure on herself. When they reached junior high, our eldest took up the guitar while our second daughter focused on piano, and that’s when her confidence finally began to rebuild.

Our Lucky Third and Fourth Children

Raising two sons a decade after our two daughters gave me a much better sense of what parenting is really about. After we immigrated to Canada, the school environment was completely different, and our sons turned out to have even more energy than their sisters, without the same pressure to get ahead academically. So we used our regular Family Time to talk with the boys and understand their interests, letting them choose freely and guiding them along the way, careful not to repeat the mistakes we’d made with their sisters. Over the years they tried the violin, piano, drums, basketball, soccer, and table tennis.

To keep costs manageable while we watched whether their interest was genuine, we’d hire a high school student to help our boys with the basics, paying them for their time. I valued good character in these young tutors even more than polished skill, and it also gave our sons a role model to look up to. For instance, a high schooler who had played violin for more than ten years taught our two sons. Our third child in particular would hear a piece his teacher played, however difficult, and want to practice it over and over until he was satisfied — he never gave up. It was the same with piano: he showed real perseverance, choosing pieces he loved and never tiring of them.

When they took up drums, their second sister taught them to read drum sheet music, and with some pointers from an older boy, the two brothers picked up the basics. We rented an electric drum kit for a month so they could practice at home while listening to music, and once their interest had taken root, they studied with a professional teacher at a music store and made noticeable progress — only then did we decide to buy a used drum set. I often used the waiting time during their drum lessons to have one-on-one time with the other child, or go shopping together — killing several birds with one stone.

Now both our sons are in high school in Canada and both play on the school’s table tennis team. Our fourth child joined the school band back in junior high and has developed a real love for playing the trumpet — whenever the Salvation Army holds its Christmas Red Kettle bell-ringing campaign, he’s always the first to volunteer as the trumpeter.

Why Learn a Skill at All?

What is the point of learning a skill at all? I’ve always taught our four children to pursue their own interests, gain real training, and develop the ability to help others — not to make more money so they can live for their own pleasure. At the same time, I encouraged each of them to pick a sport to build a strong, healthy body, because it takes physical stamina to serve others well. All four developed different interests: our eldest plays tennis, skateboards, and plays guitar; our second daughter skis and plays piano; our third child plays drums and table tennis; and our fourth plays trumpet, drums, and table tennis. At home we sometimes form a little family band and practice together, which builds teamwork and trains their leadership and organizational skills — turning our whole family into a great ministry team.

One day during Family Time, our son asked, puzzled: we’d always volunteered in the past — during our year in Los Angeles he taught drumming for free at the Salvation Army church, and taught kids table tennis for free at the dorm — so why had a high schooler at church recently offered to tutor him in math next semester, but then asked to be paid for it? By his logic, since the boy’s parents both worked and he was an only child from a well-off family, there was really no need for that.

I told the children that every family has its own way of doing things, its own way of teaching. Some parents may have known poverty themselves and don’t want their children to experience it; some never had the chance to learn certain skills themselves, so they hope their children will, fulfilling a dream the parents never got to pursue, and perhaps earning money for a better life along the way. There’s nothing wrong with that.

As for our family, we firmly believe each of us is God’s masterpiece, meant to make full use of the different gifts He’s given us, living out a testimony centered on helping others. There’s never enough money — the wealthy always want to earn more — so it’s far better to cultivate a habit of simple living, so you can save up resources to help those in need. We should remember that there are still so many people in this world who lack even the basic conditions for survival, and who can only wait for help.

Dreams Are the Most Beautiful Thing

During Family Time, I told the children that when our family immigrated from Taiwan to Canada, they gained a multicultural perspective, coming into contact with people of many different backgrounds who became their neighbors. Because each person’s path in life is different, the social responsibility God gives us differs too — and this led us into conversations about their future dreams. What kind of profession did they want to pursue in order to help others?

Our eldest daughter studied electrical engineering and graduated from her master’s program this year, preparing to become a circuit design engineer. Our second daughter studied early childhood education and sociology, working with many disadvantaged families, and is now a social worker at a nursing home. She hopes to pursue further studies in social work or physical therapy, with a dream of becoming a missionary and helping poor families in underdeveloped places. She knows social work is not a lucrative field, but it’s deeply meaningful. Her older sister, working in a cutting-edge tech field, is willing to support her dream financially — a lovely picture of how close these sisters are.

As for our two sons in high school: our third child loves physics and math and has a gift for teaching, and dreams of becoming a teacher or a pastor someday. Our fourth loves tinkering with electronics and gadgets — he’s the tech expert of the family, and with his strong reading ability, he can almost always fix whatever tech problem comes up at home, staying right on top of the latest trends. He’s a rare kind of teenager who doesn’t play video games but still makes great use of computers to learn new things, and he dreams of becoming a computer engineer someday.

Walking alongside our children through each stage of growth, watching them sketch out different dreams, helping them understand who they are and keep adjusting the direction of their efforts — it brings to mind a saying of my ninety-one-year-old mother’s: ‘Parents give birth to the body; the person must set their own purpose.’ And Scripture tells us to train up a child in the way he should go, so that when he is old he will not depart from it. Raising children in this generation, amid all the challenges brought by a changing society, is a responsibility that comes with having brought them into the world — to walk with them as they dream in love, which becomes a joy the whole family grows through together.

Family Time Takeaways: Building a Dream Together

1. Character matters more than talent

2. Develop your child’s potential according to their gifts

3. Cultivate a sport to build physical strength

4. Go on one-on-one dates with your child, and listen to their heart